BETH FARNSTROM

I PAINT IN ONE TAKE
  • Today I was writing my paper and listening to my itunes and I double clicked the song “Bootylicious” and a window popped up that said “WARNING: YOUR COMPUTER IS NOT AUTHORIZED TO PLAY “BOOTYLICIOUS” I died laughing because all I could think of was “Kelly, can you handle this? Michelle, can you handle this? Beyonce, can you handle this? Meg’s computer, can you handle this? I DON’T THINK YOU’RE AUTHORIZED TO HANDLE THIS, WOOOOOOOO!” …Sorry. That was awkward. [note: It’s a whole other level of special when you can make it awkward with yourself in your own personal journal.]


-“2birds1blog”

http://www.2birds1blog.com/2009/01/annotated-anthology-of-awkward.html

A guy asked me out at the dog park today at 6:10 am. Early bird gets the worm, i guess.

turgidtown:

I hide in the bathroom stall and wait to leave till the main bathroom “foyer” is empty, like a troll. i wish i wore less identifiable shoes.

Okay, guy, so why do you feel like you want/need/deserve to settle down with a “pure” woman? I’m genuinely listening. “Oh, it’s because sluts are gross.” Too vague. Do better. “Well, their vaginas are real stretched out and big.” No. “Ummmmm, they probably have a bunch of diseases?” Easy fix! Setting aside the fact that plenty of women contract STIs from monogamous partners or during “safe sex,” it sounds like your real problem here is with illness, not sex. So I assume you’d be fine dating a promiscuous woman who practiced safe sex and happened to be STI-free? “No, because I want a girl who’s traditional and family-oriented.” Having sex doesn’t mean you don’t want to have a family. It just means that you want to have sex. “Yeah, but a slut is more likely to cheat on me.” Really? Then why do couples in the Bible Belt have such a high divorce rate? “The devil, I guess?” NOPE. “I just can’t stand the thought of her getting fucked by all those other guys.” So you’re about to have sex with a woman you’re attracted to, you really want to have sex with her, but all you can think about is her getting pounded by tons and tons of dicks? That sounds like an entirely different issue. “No! I just mean that I struggle with the same powerlessness and insecurity that all human beings do, so as a coping mechanism I take advantage of our culture’s patriarchal power structure and exorcize my feelings of worthlessness by perpetuating shame-based proprietary attitudes over women’s bodies. Basically I’m obsessed with controlling women’s lives because I can’t control my own.” Oh, honey. I know.

Female ‘Purity’ Is Bullshit

Hitting the bullshit nail right on its head. 

Feminists don’t hate men, we hate the bullshit power structure that exists that allows men to take advantage of women rather than dealing with their emotions. 

(via teacheremmalee)

(via momcallsmeweirdy)

Aries - Selfish Prick

Taurus - Stubborn Asshole

Gemini - Annoying Attention-Whore

Cancer - Moody Jerk

Leo - Egotistical Douchebag

Virgo - Neurotic Bitch

Libra - Flaky Derelict

Scorpio - Obsessive Twat

Sagittarius - Awkward Fucktard

Capricorn -Greedy Emo

Aquarius - Perverted Psychopath

Pisces - Whiny Bimbo

turgidtown:

The fact that i took an art photo of myself posing in front of a toilet in 2004.

turgidtown:

The fact that i took an art photo of myself posing in front of a toilet in 2004.

next stop: turgid town: Future/sex/sinus pounds

turgidtown:

Bar none, bar ABSOLUTE none, the hottest thing that has happened to my body in the last few years occured—and recurs forever now—quite frequently.

I had sinus surgery in late February, the details of which would make up a whole ‘nother pantydropping, twerk-friendly juice-bubble-eliciting post. I…

next stop: turgid town: french showers bring may armpits

turgidtown:

I like to bike to work because I am not a patient person in any way, shape, or form. Cars are an assy experience during rush hour, and, since I quit smoking, I don’t have the pleasure of dangling a cigarette-dripping limb out the winder when I’m idling in traffic for 45 minutes. The metro, as…

next stop: turgid town: lip flakes and kool-aid mouth

turgidtown:

The way when, at the start of the season’s pollen onslaught (before my allergy meds really kick in) I am sneezing so much that the area below my nose and above my upper lip—where, theoretically, a mustache could live if i tried really hard—becomes so chapped from the tail end of tissue action that…

YESSSSS IT BEGINS now to read this chef d’oeuvre

next stop: turgid town: gnarly yellow fingies

turgidtown:

The way my fingernails are always kind of jaundiced from using my hands to dip into the turmeric when I cook. Basically, if we’re going to be relentless here (and why not), the way I can’t keep my fingernails clean for more than 20 minutes out of the shower. I already clip them to a…

ctrlaltcheyenne:

Tips for Preventing your own Suicide Vol. 2 by Cheyenne Smith